Change

“It won’t be long.”  She said.  “Soon things will change.  I will pass and once again you will have to learn to live without my presence.”

I sat beside her in silence as my hands trembled in fear of the future that is to come. She lightly placed her hand on my shoulder as tears graced her face. “Don’t worry kid.  I’m afraid too.”

I lifted my head and gave her a small smile. “It is just…I will miss you.”

At that moment she wrapped her arms around me and pulled me in tight. “Just remember.  There is always one place I will always live…your heart.”

 

Do you see me?

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See me.

Do you…see me? After all, I am your own flesh, blood and first born.  

Things used to be different.  I used to feel appreciated and loved by you.  Now  I feel like nothing, but an afterthought.  

You come through those doors and I look up to greet you, but you never look happy to see me.  So what do I do?

I chase after you into the kitchen and sit at the table as I watch you unpack your belongings and try to make conversation..even small talk.  

Our words die and we part ways until a common entity calls us together once again.  

I often spend time in solidarity.  I am sure you contemplate as to why.

Every time they awaken you from your daze, you answer.  You are alert and interested to them when they request your attention even if they just wish to tell you about their day, upcoming events, or accomplishments or to complain about a rough situation.  

Why am I different? Is it because I am disabled? Am I such a strain that even the mere thought of my voice produces a cringe upon your face?  

Maybe it is because I am the academic failure.  Surely you would rather hear about the success of an engineer rather than a failed musician.

I know.  It wasn’t my fault and that’s what you’ll say.  

I know I have limitations……

but that is all you see.  You are incapable of noticing the dreams, talents and passion I am capable of.

Listen to my words and my feelings.  You once requested I speak to you, truth.  Now I am invisible.  nothing…but a being who takes up space in your home.

See me. See me. SEE ME.

Be immersed in a colorful, contrasting part of your own life.  Me.  

 I am different, yes. Though I am capable of great things.  

See me.  See me. SEE ME.

~Siren Cay

Seized into Darkness

Where am I?  This obscure darkness is clouding any glimmer of light.  

Have I perished? Is this my eternal damnation?

My mortal frame will not shift.  My limbs are frozen as if I were a cement statue on display for anyone to glare and snicker.

 I no longer feel agony, merriment, or even irritation.  My physical form has become a ghost, a hallow shell that harbors my beating heart.  

Wait. Is my heart beating?  I no longer can comprehend.

What if the end isn’t near?  How will I be freed from these shadows?

Is solidarity eminent? I can’t end like…

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The excerpt above is written from a thought perspective.  

Like many people in the world, I am a person who has a seizure disorder.  I was diagnosed with Epilepsy when I was a little girl, and have lived with it for over twenty years.  In most recent years, it has actually become more difficult.  

Written above is what comes to mind when I think about what happens.  Even though I am unconscious when I have a seizure, I wake up feeling disoriented.  Usually, I have the feeling of “If I did not come out of that, I could have died”.  Not being able to utilize my motor skills is terrifying, discouraging, distressing, and tiresome.  Above are my thoughts on what I believe I would contemplate in my own consciousness during a seizure.

Click here for more information on seizure types and ways to help people with Epilepsy!

Hope you enjoy it, and thanks so much to all those who read my blog posts!!

~SirenCay

Death’s Shadow

Death. It is something most of us are afraid of, even myself. Though, I am not necessarily afraid of its shadowy claws creeping up behind with a knife coming to claim my soul. I am frightened by the method in which I will depart from this physical life. I am scared to leave my most precious treasures behind. Mostly, I am terrified I will pass with unfinished business, and have made myself a zero in this world.

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Time eludes us all. Death. It sneaks upon us like a stealthy, slithering snake and when it arrives, it wastes us until our souls are separated from our physical form. Someday, we will die. Be thankful that day is not today.

~SirenCay