Lost in the Stars

“I think about my mom’s note all the time – “Tell Meredith not to…” Not to cave? Not to care? Not to give up so easily? Not to fall in love? Not to have children? Not to tell a lie? She left me wondering what to do, what not to do. She left me knowing everything was up to me, and me alone. And, she left me with no one to ask so I would decide what she meant to write. Tell Meredith not to be afraid. Goodbye mom.”

-Meredith Grey/Grey’s Anatomy

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I think about you daily

the things you’d do and say

I think about you until the night

And all along the day

And when it seems like all is lost

I gaze up at the stars

searching for honest answers

heeding words from …afar

 

 

This poem is dedicated to my Aunt Marie who passed away from Cancer at the beginning of March.  I miss her and think about her often.

 

~Siren Cay

 

Seized into Darkness

Where am I?  This obscure darkness is clouding any glimmer of light.  

Have I perished? Is this my eternal damnation?

My mortal frame will not shift.  My limbs are frozen as if I were a cement statue on display for anyone to glare and snicker.

 I no longer feel agony, merriment, or even irritation.  My physical form has become a ghost, a hallow shell that harbors my beating heart.  

Wait. Is my heart beating?  I no longer can comprehend.

What if the end isn’t near?  How will I be freed from these shadows?

Is solidarity eminent? I can’t end like…

seizure migrains Stock_adventtr

The excerpt above is written from a thought perspective.  

Like many people in the world, I am a person who has a seizure disorder.  I was diagnosed with Epilepsy when I was a little girl, and have lived with it for over twenty years.  In most recent years, it has actually become more difficult.  

Written above is what comes to mind when I think about what happens.  Even though I am unconscious when I have a seizure, I wake up feeling disoriented.  Usually, I have the feeling of “If I did not come out of that, I could have died”.  Not being able to utilize my motor skills is terrifying, discouraging, distressing, and tiresome.  Above are my thoughts on what I believe I would contemplate in my own consciousness during a seizure.

Click here for more information on seizure types and ways to help people with Epilepsy!

Hope you enjoy it, and thanks so much to all those who read my blog posts!!

~SirenCay

Quote of the day

“There comes a point where it all becomes too much.  When we get too tired to fight anymore.  So we give up.  That’s when the real work begins.  To find hope where there seems to be absolutely none at all.” 

– Cristina Yang/Grey’s Anatomy


~Siren Cay

Forgotten child

“You forgot me”

Raelynne sighed as tears began to grace her face.

“It was an accident, ” her mother tried to assure her.

She turned her back to her mother, and shook her head wearily. As she walked up to her room, she whispered softly to herself, “I don’t believe you”.

Raelynne flopped face first into her pillows and sheets as the stream of tears broke through the damn that was her eyes.

She lay silently, closed off from the rest of the world as she wondered,

“Am I invisible?”

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(Stockphoto)

~Siren Cay

Mirror on the Wall

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There was a girl with a future ahead

in a short fell swoop those dreams became dead

As hard as she tries no one sees her dying heart

A grade A poker face, no one sees her crying

Alone now, she looks through the glass

silence as she watches her reflection pass

What could of been is now history

Blurred is her will of change

Mirror on the wall she stares into deep

Who’s the girl who wishes for eternal sleep

But before she could see her cold hard face

The mirror showed her change is what awaits.

~SirenCay

Photo taken and Edited by Clouds Photography

SirenCay: The Invisible Child

Invisible. Routinely, that is what I feel like in this world. With only one friend and a family who never notices me, invisible seems like a proper fit. Don’t you think? You are probably wondering why I feel this way and how it all started. Well let me tell you, it has been going on for quite some time and I can bet there are kids, maybe even teens and adults like me who feel the same. I call myself “The invisible child”.

 

29999dcd66b4814007f673de76e7c3fb           Living with two successful younger siblings is no picnic especially when you’re the one with the disability. This is mostly when I ask myself “Do they think I’m broken? Are they ashamed of me? Or “Am I not worth being proud of when I do something I couldn’t do before?” These questions often plague my mind in my family because unless I do something wrong, bad, or don’t do something I was asked to do then I am not worth time in my parents eyes or so it looks that way to me.

“Hey, I know that feeling. Do you have any advice on how to deal with it?” For those who know exactly what I’m talking about, I’m sorry. The truth is I am still stuck myself.   Why is it okay for parents to deny that they are treating you a certain way? Why is it okay for parents or people in general to make you feel like your thoughts and feelings do not matter because you are different?

~SirenCay

Pc: Invisible child by Tove Jansson